Sexual Changes: Contemplating Anonymous Internet Sex

*Warning, this post is about sex.

I’ve joined Manhunt, and now every day after work, I look at guys’ profiles online (well, o.k., their dicks), go into a chat room, watch someone jack off, and jerk off myself.  T has made me even hornier and far more dick-centered than before.  The first few days after my weekly shot, I feel like I’m walking around with a perpetual hard-on. I mean, I was always up for sex before, but now, I’m literally always “up” for sex. And there are new horny boy things too that are a little bemusing.  Like, I’ll meet a cute boy out. While riding public transit home, I’ll be thinking about how nice and cute he was, flash to an image of him sucking my dick, and bam, I have a raging hard on and my dick is pulsing and literally hurts, right there in the middle of an crowded train. And now, all I have to do is look at a nice photo of a hard dick on manhunt and I can literally feel my own dick lengthening, swelling, and getting hard. I mean, it was pleasant before to fantasize or to look at dicks on-line and get kind of turned on.  As long as I wasn’t already in a super horny mood and I didn’t touch myself, things were under control. But now, just one second of inadvertent fantasizing or one good close-up of a nicely cut hard dick gives me a sensitive hard-on that I can’t just ignore.

And another thing. I was never a fan of morning sex before. I’ve never been a morning person and generally feel pretty grumpy and asexual when I first wake up. These days, though, I almost always wake up with a hard-on. Not only that, but I regularly wake up, earlier than I intended, to either a sex dream or an elaborate half-asleep sex fantasy (it’s hard to tell them apart sometimes) that leaves me too horny to fall back asleep. This morning, it was a  dream about a dude fucking me in the ass until I came…

One thing that I appreciate about T is that, since my dick is sensitive, growing, and getting noticeably hard when I’m turned on now, it is a lot easier to think about it and to experience it as a dick, which makes my sexual body more congruent with my gender, which is a relief. When I watch guys jerk off on the internet and jerk off my big, hard, sensitive dick at the same time, a kind of magic happens where what I’m seeing and what I’m feeling coincide and I really feel like I have a perfect, functioning dick.

So this is all ultimately o.k., except that I’ve been celibate ever since I’ve moved (other than a couple make-outs), and am not sure I really have the time, energy, or desire to devote to a lover. My priorities right now are my new job, which is pretty consuming,  getting enough sleep, and making friends, in that order. If I were to have a lover, I would want a pretty controllable situation – a once a week date, say, or out-of-my-bed by 11pm very sex-focused rendezvous. And I’ve found that those situations are pretty hard to come by through ordinary channels. There’s dates, getting to know each other, getting sexual, wanting to see more of one another, staying up till all hours because you can’t get enough of their body, feeling guilty about kicking them out of your bed, sleeping poorly cause they’re in your bed, having to hang out later and more often so you have time to do things other than have sex, not even knowing whether you’re going to have sex when you have a date, the list goes on… To some, this might make me a jerk, but I want my entire relationship with a lover to revolve around fucking, and (at this particular point in my life), I need to time the fucking so it doesn’t take up too much of my busy week.

Since it doesn’t seem too likely that this ideal scenario is going to work out at this point in my life (no, I’ll probably just end up liking someone, dating them, and throwing my plans into chaos), and since I’m increasingly attracted to dicks and bodies, not just people, having anonymous sex with guys I meet through Manhunt seems like an increasingly attractive prospect. And Transfag and Mysterfag’s livejournals are making anonymous sex with non-trans guys seem like it could be incredibly rewarding.

Before I began transitioning, my idea of bliss was passing well enough to be able to give guys anonymous blow-jobs. I was just a thirsty cocksucker, and I wanted the privilege of being able to have a cock in my mouth at will. I don’t totally pass now, but I think I’m a cute enough guy to be able to negotiate giving an anonymous blow-job. The problem is that these days, I’m really fucking horny, and my goal is not to have a hot cock in my mouth, but to actually get off with a guy. So that means I need to do more than just give head.

But here, I’m brought up short. Transfag, after all, passes perfectly clothed, which makes it easier to bring his gay male hook-ups past his unconventional anatomy and to convince them that he is absolutely male. I know that some guys might be o.k. with someone of my embodiment, but it’s risky. My worst fear is to bring a guy home only to find him feminizing me, calling me “she,” or otherwise indicating that he doesn’t think of me as a guy.

And even if I were to stick to blow-jobs, there’s the question of condoms. I’m sorry, but half of the fun of it is to taste the guy’s dick, to feel the silky soft skin of it in your mouth and throat, and to suck the pre-cum and cum right out of it. I know it’s pretty common for guys, even in anonymous sex situations, to not use condoms for blow-jobs, and I’m inclined to just take the risk. But another part of me feels bad and guilty about this.

And so I find myself stalled, even though I really want to try it. Maybe it’s just a matter of waiting until I pass a tiny bit better. I think I would feel far more confident if only my voice would drop. It’s hard hearing that reminder, in a conversation with a man, of the differences between us.

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2 Responses to Sexual Changes: Contemplating Anonymous Internet Sex

  1. Kian says:

    Seriously, this is almost exactly what I would have written about the subject. T can do some amazing things, can’t it? TMI, but whatever: ten years after starting T and I still have the same urges, sometimes even stronger. I thought by this time in my life (age 31) I would have some control of my sexuality, but getting hard in odd situations (like when a police officer pulls you over and he is super hot, talking to your sister about something random, or even seeing violent images) is the worst part. In addition, I don’t feel well and I can’t focus unless I masturbate atleast once a day. Before, I hardly ever masturbated. I consume porn at a voracious rate and feel about romantic relationships the same way as you. I particularly like the orgasms – they feel different from before. In short, T makes me a gay slutty horndog and I love it, despite the drawbacks.

  2. Faggot Boi says:

    Kian,

    Well I guess us transguys are lucky that other folks can’t see it when we get hard in these inappropriate situations! Have you gone the internet sex route? If so, I’d like to hear your thoughts / tips on how to navigate some of the issues I’m having. If you want to talk privately, you can email me at faggtboi@gmail.com, but I’m fine with talking on my blog too.

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